Post by Weird_O on Feb 3, 2004 4:55:22 GMT -5
first love, never dies... as the song goes... Last night as I was listening to the radio feeling emote I heard the song... it kept me awake most of the night. I asked myself how does it relate to me and my past relationships. Was that really true? If so, then am still inlove in some way or another to leah den? That's not so bad considering... would it kill me? No harm done. So I tried to reminisce.
As I look back in time, I can't help but smile at the moment we both took the next step over our friendship. Actually it started out as nothing... we're magkababata.. and I didn't really expected nor even imagined such a thing could happen between the two of us, we fell in love. Its a cute romantic story.
The story goes back when I try to deny it and try hiding from her... I think she does too coz she made a trip to manila to avoid seeing me. We kinda having a hard time staying away from each other. It is as if every waking moment that we have we want to be there with each other. I fetch her at her house every morning so we could do mundane things together. If she has an errand she doesn't go without me and I would be happy to tag along no matter how long, how hard the place we're going would be. Walks 5 kilometers to Brgy San Jose and back and feels like we still want to stay and talk and have fun. After awhile I go home and still that feeling of warmth in your heart. And then it hits you that you still want to spend time with her and that you forgot to eat coz you want to think about the things that you did the whole day and smile at the crazy things you both did. And waddaya know you've fallen asleep thinking about it you forgot to eat dinner. And the worst thing is having dreams of the things you might want to do together. Talk about being consumed!
You remember everything you both said and her voice is music to your ears. Her laughter makes you nuts and you can't help it but join in her almost hysterical laughter, it drives you nuts and it still brings smile to your face now. The looks that could really make your heart leap out from your chest or the simple touch that feels like its going to make you go gah gah johny bravo look! The looks that meant more to you than it actually meant or the smile that could melt hearts... well at least to you.
Those we're the symptoms of the bigger emotions boiling up inside of you. You try to understand yourself but fails to comprehend what is wrong with you. Your boundless energy and your excited almost weird feeling never left you day in, day out. Those were the times I couldn't figure out the what from the when. I'm just as confused as she was. So I decided to think what it all meant to me. I started to hang out with other people. Never knowing she's doing the same thing.
That night when she decided she'll be going to manila for a short vacation is like having your favorite candy taken away from you by a bully. Before we parted ways, I decided that she's trying to avoid me never knowing that she's trying to deny it too... that she's feeling what am feeling already.
A week past by and I found myself terribly missing her. This am sure was it. Am in love. So this is how it feels like. And absence makes the heart go fonder so to speak. Whatever happened when she gets back, I'll tell here how much she meant to me at the risk of being rejected. My resolve is getting weaker everyday... the more I think about it, the more I began to get scared at the thought that she would reject me outright!
An incident which triggered the events leading to our confrotation - I get bitten by snake. She's back from manila, I learned from a friend so I made sure that I'm always "unavailable". I always wanted to go to my cousins' farm at Diteki so I decided to stay there for awhile to avoid her. Unfortunately my unwary eyes and my stupidy of not having boots on led to the incident.
Its so weird to see your life pass by in your eyes in living colors. I know I was going to die, I tried to prepare for it... but on the back of my mind i was screaming: "GOD please don't let me die yet! I have to tell her I love her!" I'm discharged from the hospital the following day.
I wandered out into her place and we talked about what's happening to our lives. We looked at each other and I felt something new, something better... It's ok to be in love, its better if you knew and you feel its is being reciprocated in kind. Its so darn nice. Its an understatement - nice... its more than that.
So we hit it off, she gave me a week to get really pissed off before she said it... though am sure she did, she just wanted it that I formally courted her... [talk about being pakipot and probinsyana! she is IT, the very image of maria clara - am not sure now c",)] so she could say that I have gone through the "process" and that she's not "EASY".
And so I'm officially in love. Whatever happened, just happened, just as I've always dreamt it to be. I'm so in love that I summer jut came as a breeze and I didn't even noticed it. Then its parting time. I have to go back to manila. Parting time is always sad... but this one? This is a tragically off the scale of the weirdest and the saddest. We didn't say goodbye formally, she just said "Ingat." and casually walked away. I felt like choking. My whole body seemed paralyzed. I just stood there. After awhile I went home, pack my things and life is never the same again.
Keeping a long distance relationship is harder than I thought it would be. I always missed her. Peer pressure just makes it even harder. The questions directed at me are usually embarassing at times... you have a girlfriend? since when? where is she? I hold on to the promise that come next summer, we'll be together again.
Loving thoughts through the letters. Emotions run at high gear when notes came in. Its just as simple as hello kamusta ka! is more meaningful than it was before. The letters are very personal. It was written with love and you can feel that it was so. You have to anticipate the next letter so I made several so she would receive it every other day. There was a time that I don't spend much on food at breaktimes so I could save something for the letters, stationery and postal fee.
Well, the following summer. It was different. We're happy for a couple of weeks then as if a black and white B grade movie, we had a huge fight over something I said. We broke up. No. She broke up with me. I was devastated, I cried for the first time.... went back to manila to mope around and lick my wounds.
I can't believe she said that... ano pa pag-uusapan natin? Tama na. Tapos na tayo. It went through me like heated arrows striking and inflicting deep wounds into my heart. I cried for hours on end. I just wanted to be alone. I got depressed. I was heart broken for the first time.
So this is how it goes... ours is of love and hate. We love too much of each other we're too afraid to give it all. The next two summers are different we enjoyed it. We're on and off for four years with relationships in between lulls but we always find each other still hopelessly inlove with each other. That's how I felt... and I wanted to believe that's how she felt too.
I finally decided to end it all when I found out about Eduard.
By that time, I didn't have any hang ups. I was purged of emotions and I felt I was free at last. I'm ready to find myself and start all over again. A clean slate, without the what ifs and the maybes that I could save what we had. Its over.
I went through many relationships after that. Some went out badly than others. Some I just can't keep. And some, because I still kept her as the standard of what is to be a girlfriend. In short, I still kept her within me. Sometimes, I even wondered what it would be like if I just shed off my pride and ask her if she still love me. I can't. I just can't.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can be able to give love the way I give it all for her. In the end, that's all that matters to me. It's just that I didn't know if I can anymore. Am having doubts at myself, with my feelings.
And If I can't find that same feeling anymore, then the first love I had is the best love I could ever give. Then I can conclude that first love, really never dies.
As I look back in time, I can't help but smile at the moment we both took the next step over our friendship. Actually it started out as nothing... we're magkababata.. and I didn't really expected nor even imagined such a thing could happen between the two of us, we fell in love. Its a cute romantic story.
The story goes back when I try to deny it and try hiding from her... I think she does too coz she made a trip to manila to avoid seeing me. We kinda having a hard time staying away from each other. It is as if every waking moment that we have we want to be there with each other. I fetch her at her house every morning so we could do mundane things together. If she has an errand she doesn't go without me and I would be happy to tag along no matter how long, how hard the place we're going would be. Walks 5 kilometers to Brgy San Jose and back and feels like we still want to stay and talk and have fun. After awhile I go home and still that feeling of warmth in your heart. And then it hits you that you still want to spend time with her and that you forgot to eat coz you want to think about the things that you did the whole day and smile at the crazy things you both did. And waddaya know you've fallen asleep thinking about it you forgot to eat dinner. And the worst thing is having dreams of the things you might want to do together. Talk about being consumed!
You remember everything you both said and her voice is music to your ears. Her laughter makes you nuts and you can't help it but join in her almost hysterical laughter, it drives you nuts and it still brings smile to your face now. The looks that could really make your heart leap out from your chest or the simple touch that feels like its going to make you go gah gah johny bravo look! The looks that meant more to you than it actually meant or the smile that could melt hearts... well at least to you.
Those we're the symptoms of the bigger emotions boiling up inside of you. You try to understand yourself but fails to comprehend what is wrong with you. Your boundless energy and your excited almost weird feeling never left you day in, day out. Those were the times I couldn't figure out the what from the when. I'm just as confused as she was. So I decided to think what it all meant to me. I started to hang out with other people. Never knowing she's doing the same thing.
That night when she decided she'll be going to manila for a short vacation is like having your favorite candy taken away from you by a bully. Before we parted ways, I decided that she's trying to avoid me never knowing that she's trying to deny it too... that she's feeling what am feeling already.
A week past by and I found myself terribly missing her. This am sure was it. Am in love. So this is how it feels like. And absence makes the heart go fonder so to speak. Whatever happened when she gets back, I'll tell here how much she meant to me at the risk of being rejected. My resolve is getting weaker everyday... the more I think about it, the more I began to get scared at the thought that she would reject me outright!
An incident which triggered the events leading to our confrotation - I get bitten by snake. She's back from manila, I learned from a friend so I made sure that I'm always "unavailable". I always wanted to go to my cousins' farm at Diteki so I decided to stay there for awhile to avoid her. Unfortunately my unwary eyes and my stupidy of not having boots on led to the incident.
Its so weird to see your life pass by in your eyes in living colors. I know I was going to die, I tried to prepare for it... but on the back of my mind i was screaming: "GOD please don't let me die yet! I have to tell her I love her!" I'm discharged from the hospital the following day.
I wandered out into her place and we talked about what's happening to our lives. We looked at each other and I felt something new, something better... It's ok to be in love, its better if you knew and you feel its is being reciprocated in kind. Its so darn nice. Its an understatement - nice... its more than that.
So we hit it off, she gave me a week to get really pissed off before she said it... though am sure she did, she just wanted it that I formally courted her... [talk about being pakipot and probinsyana! she is IT, the very image of maria clara - am not sure now c",)] so she could say that I have gone through the "process" and that she's not "EASY".
And so I'm officially in love. Whatever happened, just happened, just as I've always dreamt it to be. I'm so in love that I summer jut came as a breeze and I didn't even noticed it. Then its parting time. I have to go back to manila. Parting time is always sad... but this one? This is a tragically off the scale of the weirdest and the saddest. We didn't say goodbye formally, she just said "Ingat." and casually walked away. I felt like choking. My whole body seemed paralyzed. I just stood there. After awhile I went home, pack my things and life is never the same again.
Keeping a long distance relationship is harder than I thought it would be. I always missed her. Peer pressure just makes it even harder. The questions directed at me are usually embarassing at times... you have a girlfriend? since when? where is she? I hold on to the promise that come next summer, we'll be together again.
Loving thoughts through the letters. Emotions run at high gear when notes came in. Its just as simple as hello kamusta ka! is more meaningful than it was before. The letters are very personal. It was written with love and you can feel that it was so. You have to anticipate the next letter so I made several so she would receive it every other day. There was a time that I don't spend much on food at breaktimes so I could save something for the letters, stationery and postal fee.
Well, the following summer. It was different. We're happy for a couple of weeks then as if a black and white B grade movie, we had a huge fight over something I said. We broke up. No. She broke up with me. I was devastated, I cried for the first time.... went back to manila to mope around and lick my wounds.
I can't believe she said that... ano pa pag-uusapan natin? Tama na. Tapos na tayo. It went through me like heated arrows striking and inflicting deep wounds into my heart. I cried for hours on end. I just wanted to be alone. I got depressed. I was heart broken for the first time.
So this is how it goes... ours is of love and hate. We love too much of each other we're too afraid to give it all. The next two summers are different we enjoyed it. We're on and off for four years with relationships in between lulls but we always find each other still hopelessly inlove with each other. That's how I felt... and I wanted to believe that's how she felt too.
I finally decided to end it all when I found out about Eduard.
By that time, I didn't have any hang ups. I was purged of emotions and I felt I was free at last. I'm ready to find myself and start all over again. A clean slate, without the what ifs and the maybes that I could save what we had. Its over.
I went through many relationships after that. Some went out badly than others. Some I just can't keep. And some, because I still kept her as the standard of what is to be a girlfriend. In short, I still kept her within me. Sometimes, I even wondered what it would be like if I just shed off my pride and ask her if she still love me. I can't. I just can't.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can be able to give love the way I give it all for her. In the end, that's all that matters to me. It's just that I didn't know if I can anymore. Am having doubts at myself, with my feelings.
And If I can't find that same feeling anymore, then the first love I had is the best love I could ever give. Then I can conclude that first love, really never dies.
